


Dear Minho

by gojiyeong



Category: SHINee
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Break Up, Complete, Established Relationship, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Themes, Love Letters, M/M, One Shot, Past Relationship(s), Post-Break Up, Short One Shot, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-10
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-14 22:41:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28678329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gojiyeong/pseuds/gojiyeong
Summary: Taemin left Minho 10 years ago but never told him why. He finally decides his ex-boyfriend deserves an explanation and gathers all the courage he has to write him a letter.
Relationships: Choi Minho/Lee Taemin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 8





	Dear Minho

**Author's Note:**

> Hey you, thanks for reading this fic!  
> This is just a short one, I'll be coming back soon with something much longer, so stay tuned! If you'd like to beta, let's talk about it and make it happen.  
> Also, don't hesitate to leave a comment or kudos if you like my writing :)

> _Dear Minho,_
> 
> _I know it’s been a while. I’m sorry for not reaching out sooner. I’ve tried several times, but could never finish this letter. I don’t know where this is going to go. I just know I need to open up and finally be honest with you. You deserve it._
> 
> _I’ve tried calling a few times. But I always hung up before you could answer. I feel such a coward for not being able to face you. I’m sorry. But I don’t even know if you would want to hear from me anyway…_
> 
> _So I guess this is simpler. You’ll read it only if you want to. Now I need to admit, I hope you were happy when receiving this letter. I selfishly hope you still think about me when you wake up in the morning. I know I should wish you moved on and maybe found someone else, but I can’t forget you._
> 
> _I’m still in love with you, Minho._

My voice hurts. 

My friends and I have been singing for hours in this small karaoke, north of Portland. I’m starting to feel sleepy.

Most of my friends are still singing on top of their lungs, but I notice Taemin has left the group and is sitting on a bench in the corner of the room. He’s staring into space. My heartbeat quickens.

Even when he’s tired, I think he’s the most beautiful human being I’ve ever met.

I pace towards him and drop down next to him. I leave just enough space so that we don’t touch, but leave too little to be considered outside of his personal space. I know he won’t mind. He never does when it’s me. That makes me flutter even more.

“So, you gave up too?” he asked with a knowing look on his face.

“Yeah… They’re too much, really. It’s been hours,” I whisper as I look at the lyrics still scrolling on the screen.

I love my friends. We’ve known each other for almost all of our lives. I even babysat the younger ones. We all come from Korean families and all of our parents are long time friends.

I genuinely feel blessed to be around such kind people.

Taemin lightly touches my arm and I breathe out slowly. The real blessing, though, is knowing Taemin. Since I’m only a few months older than him, he’s been there basically my whole life. Some people joke around that we’re attached by the hip, but they could not have put it better. We spend most of our days together, and then still talk on the phone at night. When it’s too late to talk, we text.

Some people might find it unhealthy, and maybe they’re right. But I love this. I love how seeing his name on my phone puts a smile on my face. I love how greeting him in the morning makes me feel warm inside. I love how my skin shivers when he lays his hand on my arm.

“Minho?” he looks at me inquiringly. “I called Taesun to ask him to come and get me.”

“You call him at almost midnight and he agrees?” I ask puzzled.

“That’s what big brothers do, I guess?”

“I know I wouldn’t do that. Yukhei can call a taxi if he needs a ride.”

Taemin chuckles. My heart skips a beat.

“Will you drive me around when you get your license?” Taemin asks hopefully. His eyes are glittering.

“Of course! We’ll drive in the countryside at night and watch the stars.”

He smiles and I can’t look anywhere else. I realize how close we got, with our foreheads almost touching. I don’t want to let go. His lips are closer than they’ve ever been and I desperately want to kiss them.

So I do.

I gently press my lips on his. He breathes out but doesn’t move away.

I think I’m in love.

> _You are the best thing that happened to me, Minho. I can’t fathom what my life would have looked like without you in it. You brought me peace, order, and happiness. You saved my life in so many more ways than you can imagine._
> 
> _I guess I wish we could have lived more openly. I wish we could have been innocent and careless. Yes, I liked the stolen kisses in the dark hallways when nobody was watching. But I would have preferred to hold your hand during Christmas dinners._
> 
> _I would have liked to be able to call you my boyfriend in front of our friends and families. Go to prom with you as my date. I guess lying to the world was the hardest. I wanted to shout my love for you from the rooftops._

I’m dozing off. The sheets are warm though a bit humid. I don’t care. I can still feel the aftermath of our lovemaking going through my veins.

I reach out to Taemin but he moves away. I look up and meet his gaze. He doesn’t want to leave but still gets up.

“Can’t you stay?” I plea.

“I need to get home by dinner. We took longer than I thought…” he adds daydreaming.

I smile lightly. We did take our time today. Nobody was at home for the whole afternoon so, of course, we took advantage of it.

“It’s only a 20-minute ride to your home…” I say as I try to buy some time.

“I have to get gas and a few groceries on the way back,” he apologies. “And I need to take a shower,” he continues. “I can’t go home like that. I smell like sex.”

I get up and get close to him. I breathe him in. He giggles because he’s ticklish in his neck.

“You do,” I confirm with a laugh.

We go to the bathroom together and I watch him as he goes into the shower. I’d like to join him, but we don’t have time and I don’t want to be tempted.

“I wish it didn’t have to be like that, Minho,” he says as he looks at me.

I take a moment to think.

“It doesn’t have to be, though.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, we could tell them. It might not be so bad,” I try to explain.

“Have you met my mom, Minho?” he says jokingly, but I know he’s serious. His mom might love him, but she wouldn’t be understanding.

“It doesn’t have to be our parents,” I start. “But maybe just a few friends. Just so that it doesn’t feel so much like a secret, you know?” I look at him hopefully. He nods, but he’s not too sure. “I could tell my brother,” I say that more to myself. “I think Yukhei would understand.”

I can hear him breathe out over the shower sounds. He doesn’t seem too enthusiastic.

“I’m not sure about mine. Taesun has always been so close to mom, I think he’d tell her. I don’t think I want to risk it. I already know how it’s going to end if I do.”

“How so?”

He looks at me dead in the eye, but I genuinely have no clue. He swallows and I can see his lip flutter.

“I’m getting the short end here, Minho. Look at you. You’re tall, athletic, social. The worst people can tell you is that it’s just a phase you’ll grow out of,” he explains. “I’m the weird gay guy. If people know, they’ll assume I’m the one taking it. Just because I’m not as socially adapted as you are.”

“You’re kidding. Are you saying that just because you’re smaller than me, people will think you’re a bottom?”

“We can bet if you don’t believe me,” he says dead serious.

I’ll still tell my brother. He’ll understand, I’m sure.

> _But then life decided otherwise. What I remember the most isn’t the pain. It’s the fear of dying. Realizing that the world will go on living, with or without me in it._
> 
> _My life, our lives, they don’t mean anything, when you come to think of it. We’re just there for a short period of time and we probably won’t be remembered for long._
> 
> _It was so weird to realize that. Because you were my world, I could never think of one without you. I had never thought that dying is something I’ll do alone, without you, eventually._
> 
> _I felt so lonely in my hospital bed._
> 
> _Everything from that period is blurry, but I do remember you coming to visit me. Holding my hand when my parents were outside. Whispering that everything would be okay. I didn’t believe you. I was right, I guess. Look where we are now._

The chair I’m sitting on is so uncomfortable. Or maybe it’s the hospital hallway that makes me feel this way. Maybe it’s just this fucked up situation.

I came to see Taemin today. He’s more exhausted and paler than ever. We couldn’t even have a proper conversation, he was falling asleep every few minutes.

His mom told me he needed a bone marrow transplant. It’s a question of life and death. None of his family is a match, and the national registry is a dead end.

She asked me to get tested. You never know. I did a cheek swab an hour ago, and I’m waiting for the results. I want to go to Taemin’s room meanwhile, but I’m afraid of how I’ll react if it’s negative. I’m not sure how to handle all of this.

I see Taemin’s mom and a doctor at the other end of the hallway. They’re coming towards me. Taemin’s mom is beaming but I don’t want to get my hopes up. I stand up as they come closer.

“Hi, Minho,” she starts with a big smile on her face. “Your HLAs match,” she states with teary eyes.

“We’d like to get a blood sample, for further analysis,” the doctor adds.

Words get stuck in my throat and my brain stops working properly. Taemin might just live. We could get through this.

> _The truth is, we couldn’t win. The reason I’m alive is the reason we can’t be together. Did you ever wonder why you were such a good match for the transplant?_
> 
> _You never seemed too concerned about it. But I was. It kept me awake at night. So I asked my mom. I’m still not sure it was the right thing to do._
> 
> _I think deep down I always knew something was off. The way my mother was behaving with yours. My mom can sure put on a fake face, but it always was on another level with your mom._

I give Taemin a mischievous smile. His dad only comes back in about half an hour.

“Taemin? We could, you know… Make good use of that bit of time?” I suggest as I lightly brush his bare thigh.

I feel him shiver, but not in a good way. He removes my hand and I know something is wrong.

“Is everything alright, Taemin?”

“Yeah. I’m just not in the mood. Sorry,” he says distantly.

“Are you sure you’re feeling well? You don’t seem like yourself. You’re not relapsing, right?”

He gives me a killer stare.

“The transplant worked, Minho! It’s been a year already. I think it’s my right to not want to have sex every time we see each other,” he adds with an exasperated voice.

I feel guilty. He’s right. He doesn’t owe me anything. Even if we haven’t done it for several months. 

“I’m sorry. Forget what I said. Do you want to watch a movie?”

Taemin thinks for a second.

“Not really.”

“Listen to a podcast? I heard about one that might be interest—”

“Don’t want to.”

“How about… baking a cake? Cake is always the answer.”

I look at Taemin hopefully but he closed his eyes and seems exasperated. Something is definitely wrong. 

“Okay, so, no cake,” I conclude. I decide to shut up.

“I think I just want to be alone for a bit,” he finally says.

I’m not sure I understand what he means by this.

“Oh, okay. I can go home if you want to. Are you still coming to Yukhei’s birthday tomorrow?”

“I— You— You don’t get it,” he whispers with a trembling voice. “I need some time. I need some space.” His eyes water and I’m sure mine do too. “I need a break from you.”

I want to swallow but my throat is too dry. I try to make sense of the situation.

“What happened? What did I do? Why? Taemin?”

My words get lost in my mouth. Everything is falling down around me.

“You did nothing wrong,” he says with tears running down his cheeks. “It’s just— I guess it’s me. I can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry. Please, just leave.”

I nod and get up. I can’t talk right now. I want to make sense of this but now is not the time. I know him by heart, we’ll talk tomorrow and fix this. We’ve fixed worse.

When he doesn’t show up at Yukhei’s birthday party the next day, I try to call him. His number is unassigned.

I call his mom. She tells me he left and doesn’t want to be looked for.

Yesterday was the time to make it right. It’s too late now.

> _I’m sorry for not telling you the truth about why I left. I should have. It wasn’t right to keep you out of the loop, especially when everybody knew already._
> 
> _So, I guess this is it._
> 
> _Please know I’ve tried to tell you this long ago. I tried to bring it up when we were still together but I never could. I’m still not sure what’s the best way to say it._
> 
> _You’re my half-brother._
> 
> _My mom had an affair with your dad. That’s why he left your mother._
> 
> _Everyone knows. Nobody ever told us. My mom only told me because I was harassing her with questions._
> 
> _When she confessed, I felt betrayed. Disgusted. I couldn’t understand my feelings for you anymore. Did I love you like a brother, like I was supposed to, or like a lover, in some twisted ways?_
> 
> _I tried everything I could. I tried ignoring the truth. It felt wrong. I tried to see you as a friend. It felt wrong too._
> 
> _I guess the only thing I didn’t try enough is talking to you. Looking back, maybe we could have figured something out together. I wish we tried. I wish I wasn’t so impulsive back then, driven by my emotions. I wish I didn’t leave you._
> 
> _But it’s too late now. I’m not expecting anything from you. I just hope you understand and forgive me for ending things this way._
> 
> _Love,_
> 
> _Taemin_

I arrive at the bus stop as I finish reading his letter. I’ve read it a thousand times. I could recite it by heart, but I like to actually read it because I can see his handwriting as I go through the words he wrote. I know on which ones he hesitated. I know when he took a break. I know when he cried.

I did too. 

I never thought I’d hear from him again. When I first saw the envelope, I thought it was a twisted joke from a friend. When I read my name and address, I realized it wasn’t. Tears fell down my face and I couldn’t stop them.

I went through every emotion you could think of while reading his letter. I was dumbfounded at first. Then angry. I felt like a fool. A crucial piece of information about me had been withheld all those years.

I wanted to confront my mom. I needed to understand why she had never told me. What she said has never left me.

“The simple answer is that it was easier. The more complicated one was that it didn’t matter in the end. Taemin and you were raised like brothers, you loved and cared for each other very much. The truth wasn’t important to us.”

But the truth was important to Taemin, and he left. He put 2600 miles between us.

I think I found the right building. This is the address the private investigator gave me. I can see his name written beside one of the doorbells.

I also hated him for being my brother, even though he could do nothing about it. But with time, I started to accept the situation. My mom was right. No matter our connection, it didn’t change the fact that we had feelings for each other. Had we known sooner, it probably wouldn’t have prevented anything anyway.

I was filled with regret. Regret for doing nothing when he left. After months of feeling sorry for myself, I decided I had to do something.

Maybe we could still fix things. He had even made the first step with his letter. It was up to me to make the next one.

It wasn’t easy finding him, but I did. Taking days off was a nightmare too, but I made it work.

I lightly press my finger on the doorbell. After a few seconds, I can hear his voice. We’re so close. I try to answer but the words get stuck in my throat. I manage to whisper a shy “it’s Minho” on a second attempt.

I know he’s hesitant. Then the door opens.

He lives on the first floor at the end of the hallway. He opens his door as I come closer, and I can’t believe that this is happening for real.

It’s been 10 years.

He’s standing in the doorway in a defensive way but his eyes tell another story. We can’t look away from each other. I take his sight in.

He’s older. From a pretty boy, he became a beautiful man. His hair is longer. He finally dared to let it grow. He’s still skinny, but his skin has a healthy glow and his dark circles are almost non-existent.

I wonder if it was the right move to come here. He seems to be doing so fine, I almost feel guilty coming back into his life. Maybe his goal was to put a true end to all this, and here I am wrecking his life once again.

He walks back and lets me enter. I follow him but once we’re together in his apartment, I don’t know what to do. I’ve dreamt about this moment for so long, went over every scenario imaginable, and yet now I feel paralyzed. The actuality of our situation and its ramifications come back to slap me in the face.

We’re brothers.

“I’m sorry for leaving,” he says carefully.

I breathe out.

“I’m sorry I let you go,” I answer.

“Why did you come?”

“Because I want to fix this,” I say with as much confidence as I can.

He loses his composure. His bottom lip shudders and his eyes are shining with tears. I open my arms instinctively and he comes closer.

His body is warm but I can feel him shiver. My shoulder is wet from his tears, but I can’t help and feel happy. I know he’s happy too because he’s pulled away and has a big smile on his face. He giggles.

Everything is fine. Finally. I have no idea where this is going to go, but I don’t care. Because we’ll figure it out together.


End file.
